Life is such a hustle. You do your everyday things, you shop, you eat, you plan. Someday we will …… but we have to do this first or we can do it when we are ready. Sadly sometimes time catches up with us. Today I ponder the purpose of my new life and struggle to find the answer.
April 3, 2021. A day that will be burned into my memory forever. My confidant, the love of my life, best friend of 39 years, and wife of 34 years passed away suddenly. She had been diagnosed with breast cancer but the treatment was going well, till it wasn’t. Until you have lost your life companion you won’t understand. Every aspect of life has changed. There is nothing you do throughout the day that didn’t involve your partner you just don’t realize it till they aren’t there. The frenzy of friends and family, funeral planning, attending the funeral, all a whirlwind that keeps you busy with bursts of emotion between . Now that the funeral has passed I had hoped to turn a corner but the corner is not there. All the well wishers, while invaluable and greatly appreciated, have returned to the everyday hustles. I am still alone. Alone sounds terribly selfish since I have 2 wonderful sons and an amazing daughter in law that I could not have made it through without. Alone even though I have spoken to lost friends that I lost touch with years ago. None of that can replace the crater that has been placed in my heart.
The decisions that now have to be made are overwhelming. Do I keep this or that? Can I stand to look at it? Do I wear my ring still or not? Is anyone going to judge me if I am not crying? Will they judge me if I am crying? Do I go back to work? So many things to do. Insurance, banking, titles changes, retirement accounts, all have to be changed and no one to help with the burden. Simple decisions are the hardest. The latest one is what do I eat? Cooking for one is a little pointless and going out leaves you at a table alone. It seems there are no correct answers.
I have to remember everyday how lucky I am. Lucky, really? Yes I am lucky. I was lucky enough to have experienced life with my soulmate. Not everyone will get to do that. We had wonderful children, travelled to many many places, and enjoyed each other side by side almost 100% of the time. Our RV plans put me in a place where I didn’t have a giant empty home to go back to and don’t have tons of stuff to get rid of because since my last post we sold the house and are living in the bus full time just not travelling. Our plans also put us in an ideal place financially where I could retire now if I choose to. But what would I do? I will endure, that’s what I will do.
Thanks for reading the Blog. I will again be away from it for a while till I find some direction but I will be back. This time the blog will possibly be my new purpose. Cherish every moment, Live each day as if it is your last, and embrace those you love because you never know what is to come.